TRY ALCOHOL TODAY

GOOD MORNING CORPORATE AMERICA! As you sit at your tiny desk in a sea of coffee breath and people trying to look content with making a bunch of money for some white dude named Dick John Johnson, do you ever get the unshakeable urge to just shit-rocket all over the HR lady and into space? Do Mondays ever bring to mind how nice it would be to burn up in the atmosphere, sizzling away every layer of skin on your body, one by one, til there is nothing but charcoaled bone where your dreams once lived? Sounds like you've got a bad case of the Mondays! Well, fortunately for you, thanks to Alcohol, you never have to feel or think anything ever again! Hey! Let me tell you how it works! First you repeatedly buy embarrassing amounts of wine at your local grocery store! Next, you build up a weak rapport with the liquor cashier, who disguises her contempt for all living creatures with detailed personal anecdotes about her various health problems! Then you go home and drink way more than you need to in front of really shallow television programs while your cat somehow makes it all worse by looking at you with unconditional love as though she truly has no idea that your life and everyone else's life is completely purposeless, selfish trash! Obviously you drink a toast to her innocence. Last, you simply repeat every day every year til you die of liver failure at 44! It's so easy! Try Alcohol today! Don't think, just drink!