COULD THIS HOUSEHOLD APPLIANCE BE TURNING YOUR CHILDREN GAY?

In a study sponsored by Deep Fryers For America, scientists have concluded that Air Fryers could be turning *your* children into homosexuals. 

According to researchers, 33% of those tested "seemed pretty fucking gay."

We ask you, patriotic, red-blooded Americans, are you really willing to take that chance?

"No way, no how, " Barbara Applejack, head of the local Parent Teacher Association says while her son weeps rather effiminately in the background, "Could never be me. I threw my air fryer right out. I will not be complicit in the devil's work. I will not raise a homo. No, not on my watch."

And she's right. Very legitimate tests show that the rapid air circulation required to fry food could also be frying our children's brains.

Not our brains though. Our brains are already exceptionally 0straight.

*Still, "woke" scientists disagree with the study's findings and have argued that this is a classic case of correlation not equaling causation. At the same time, others are happy to have something to blame for our country's swift slide into heathenism.

"Is THAT why I've been craving dong?" a local congressman was heard crying at a fundraiser for lowering the minimum wage last week. The individual has asked to remain anonymous for obvious reasons.

"I've been having very immoral thoughts," the anonymous nancy-boy admitted, gesticulating wildly at his crotch, pausing to scratch it before gravely concluding "VERY immoral thoughts."

In related news, St. Michael's church will be hosting a bonfire this Sunday after traditional services to dispose of these devil-machines in a safe manner and not at all to drum up hate against the gay community. We'll see you there!

Sources:

***Deep Fryers For Americans by Deep Fryers For America