An Ode to Amanda Bynes

So I'm watching 2000s-era movies, AKA Amanda Bynes rambling all ditzy and "adorkable"--LIKE ZOEY DESCHANEL SHOULD SIT DOWN AND TAKE SOME NOTES. Because Amanda Bynes is the Meryl Streep of being "adorkable," because Amanda Bynes has repackaged internalized misogyny into something bubbly and cute, because Amanda Bynes expertly disguises the commodification of insecurity and turns it into a dual superpower of seduction and brainwashing that tickles the funny bones and boners of the masses.

GODDAMN I LOVE AMANDA BYNES.

[No, I didn't realize how strongly I felt about this until this moment either, Mom.]

She parts the sea of blondes on campus. They are all going left. She is going right.

A football appears.

She catches it like she's Donald Driver in a safe driving advertisement and chucks it back at the tight end.

She's NOT LIKE OTHER GIRLS. SHE'S WEARING CONVERSE.

Ew. I need to shower. This whole Saturday night-in situation is reminding me of high school in the worst way, which makes sense because this movie came out in 2007. and I'm just chilling in smelly sweatpants, watching something I'm smarter than so I can feel insightful. Deja vu, anyone?

I've been alone for so long tonight, I'm pretty sure my nose just whistled and I mistook it for someone talking to me.

That's okay. I'm learning a lot. Like, did you know, according to 2000's era chickflicks, blond, rich women are all the enemy? OMG YOU DIDN'T?

No worries, there are still better reasons to hate Ivanka Trump.

But hohoho Amanda Bynes isn't blond though. She is too busy being that bitch*TM to be blond. She's.. NOT LIKE OTHER GIRLS, SHE CAN PULL OFF BROWN HAIR AND A MIDDLE PART, NEARLY AS WELL AS CHRISTINA RICCI.

GODDAMN!

All of the other girls are eating salad but she's eating, get this, BOSTON CREAM PIE. Cut to all the fraternity brothers' glazed over eyes, focused on her licking the whipped cream from her spoon, eyes rolled up in ecstasy.

I'm not making this shit up, man.

On a related note (well, to anyone who's seen the cinematic masterpiece that is Sidney White), I have decided choirs are the creepiest things of all time. More on that another time. My favorite part is coming:

"Who are you Sidney White?" The young blue-eyed boy with straight brown hair exhales, gazing down at her from Tom Cruise-style high heeled shoes.

"Well," she looks bashful, "I'm more of a Peyton Manning. Leinart's a leftie."

His eyes go kawaii **SPORTS REFERENCE?** and he blows his pants, boston cream theme running down his leg.

"MARRY ME."

heheheh OKEDOKE.

Why do all the girls in those movies have to be motherless? In this one, she pledges Kappa to be close to her dead mom. But for more examples... Snow White, Cinderella, Jasmine, Pocahontas.

I guess the absence of women in leadership roles is something we can all relate to [ba dum tiss]

But for real, conditioning us to think all the best women are the dead ones ? Like that's s0o0o00o0o subtle.

Anyway, I'm gonna watch She's the Man. It's cool because it's pretty much the exact same movie but instead of her mom being dead, she's alive and well and represents everything wrong with femininity. CLASSIC.

More importantly... Channing Tatum.

Thanks for reading, bye!